Student Pulls Lame April Fools Joke That Only Makes Him Less Popular

Andrew in response to seeing his Mom's post.

WINONA LAKE, IN - If you were to go on to Andrew Hall’s Facebook page right now, what you wouldn’t see is Andrew’s correct birthday of September 23rd.

A couple weeks ago, Andrew reportedly got the bright idea that it would be hilarious if he changed his birthday to April 1st, just to see how many people would write on his wall. Unfortunately for Andrew, his ploy to receive this undeserved ego boost has completely backfired leaving him with permanent and extremely public humiliation.

One of Andrew’s roommates, Pete Rush, reported that he remembered seeing Andrew wake up earlier than usual on April 1st and immediately checking his Facebook. “Yeah, I knew about Andrew’s little ‘joke’ he had going,” said Rush when asked about that morning. “I don’t remember a lot, but I do know he was extra giddy and extra annoying. He got on his computer and I won’t ever forget when out of nowhere he yelled, ‘No, Mom, No!’, just like a little girl.”  Apparently what Andrew forgot to take into account was that while many of his friends didn’t know his real birthday, his mother did!

After Andrew’s mom’s first post of the day, which completely foiled his whole sham, the comments rolled in making fun of his plan. In an attempt to correct his blunder, Andrew’s next post claimed that his account had been, “HACKED!! Good one roomies...”. While this did help slow down some of the attacks, the damage had already been done because Veronica (Andrew’s crush who has been way out of his league since they passed each other in the hallway that one time) had already posted on his wall for all to see.

Andrew reluctantly talked to us saying, “Well, this isn’t exactly how I wanted to end my Freshman year. I could see my popularity rising and I thought this would be a good test of just that!”

Andrew plans on being the very first student to transfer out of Grace’s main campus for the Detroit sister school where he will undoubtedly be much more comfortable surrounded by fellow homeschoolers, even if it is just one other student.

Couple Starts Dating After Meeting in Assassins

WINONA LAKE, IN: The popular campus-wide game, "assassins" has returned to the campus of Grace College. For those not familiar with the game, the concept is simple. Each participant is armed with a squirt gun and the name of their "target". Students take whatever means necessary to "kill" their target and move on to the next.

Despite assassins beginning today, it appears that this game can be credited as being a matchmaker on campus. When Anthony Johnson woke up this morning he never would have imagined he would meet the girl of his dreams, especially after squirting her with water. But according to Anthony, that's exactly what happened.

"It's just crazy!" stated a still lovestruck Anthony. "I had tried everything to meet the girl of my dreams. I tried Lancer Love, but that was a flop. I even signed up for Marriage and Family because I heard tons of girls take that class."

Pictured above: The weapon used to find love

"I spent a good three hours last night trying to find this girl on Facebook, turns out she's one of those hipster girls who doesn't follow the crowd. So after going through dozens of google results, I finally found her blog on Xanga. Not only did I know what she looked like, but I also knew that on Tuesday, April 4th, 2007, "she had a terrible day at school." After some additional research, I found out she has an 8:00am class in the science center. Thankfully I had the foreseeability to bring my full camo suit to school (my mom said it wasn't necessary, boy was she wrong!). So this morning I hid in the bushes infront of the science center and jumped out when she approached. Thankfully I play enough Halo, so my aim was perfect. I got her with a kill shot, right to the face! After she dried her face we struck up a conversation. I never knew it was so easy. Turns out later tonight we're going to go to Alpha for dinner and then walk down to the lake. And to think, all of this was made possible because of a game."

According to Anthony, the couple plans to take it slow and "maybe wait three months before getting engaged."

Coach K Receives Call From President Obama

Pictured above: Barack Obama talks to Coach Kessler

WINONA LAKE, IN: It isn’t everyday that Coach Kessler receives a call from the President of the United States; it’s about once a week.

According to coach K, “When I looked down and saw a restricted number calling my phone I figured it was just my boy Mark Soto calling to talk about the last episode of “Toddlers and Tiaras”. If I had known it was going to be Obama I probably wouldn’t have answered the phone saying, “talk to me Marky!”

It turns out the President was calling to congratulate Coach K on his recent MCC championship. “Let me ask you something Kessler. Why am I the one that has to call you after the championship? You know I’ve been busy and wasn’t able to watch the game! I kind of expected at least a text update or something," said a frustrated Obama.

When Coach K asked Obama if he was planning on traveling to Branson to support the team, Obama replied, “Well K, I’m not gonna lie, gas prices these days are a little steep. But with the country already trillions of dollars in debt, what’s another $500,000? Besides, the Red Zone could certainly use my support...”

New Sensation: 'Duking' Sweeps Campus

The pose that started the phenomenon.

WINONA LAKE, IN - It all started in the early 2000’s with a phenomenon called ‘parkour’; this was essentially street gymnastics. Then several years later, those not athletic enough for parkour started a new trend to make themselves feel cool: ‘planking’. Planking evolved into ‘Batmanning’, which turned into ‘gargoyling’, which eventually turned into ‘tebowing’. Today there are a host of different ways for un-athletic people to stand on various landmarks and buildings.

Just when you thought the list couldn’t get any longer, and this concept couldn’t evolve any higher, it did. Grace College students have started a new trend: ‘Duking’. This trend is named after star basketball player Duke Johnson. When Grace plays for the MCC men’s basketball title tonight expect to see many students ‘Duking’ whenever duke does his signature move (which is scoring points in any way).

What exactly is duking? Just take a look at the picture and see for yourself. Even Obama has heard about ‘Duke-sanity’ and can be seen duking with the prime minister of Russia in the picture below.

President Obama 'Duking' with while Prime Minister Putin is 'Putining'.

Occupy Grace: The 1% Takes on the 99%

WINONA LAKE, IN - It’s that time of the year again; the time when all of Grace’s on-campus students will be held hostage by their RA’s and RD’s for the pre-spring break hall meetings. Though these meetings normally fade into the endless oblivion of monotony and intermittent naps, tonight’s meetings might be slightly different.

There is a large rally and protest planned to take place during the hall meetings. The off campus students are protesting the fact that Grace Student life doesn’t provide off campus students with some sort of ‘hall meeting’.  It is rumored that the small minority of Grace students who live off campus are calling themselves the ‘1%’.
 
A spokesman for this group, sophomore Timothy Van Der Smort, had this to say, “We are the 1% who don’t get these great hall meetings! I mean this is blatant discrimination against those of us who live off campus. We may only be 1% but the 99% has to respect our rights. I mean just because I’m awesome and got married freshman year and live off campus doesn’t mean I don’t want the opportunity to sleep through meetings.”
Dean of Student Affairs, Jim Swanson, had this to say in response to the potential protests, “This is just ridiculous! I mean why should we waste time and resources on these students. They’re not paying to live on campus so they don’t get to enjoy our meetings. These meetings cover some really important information, and that isn’t free. Without these meetings, how would kids know to clean our fridges and vacuum floors?”
 

Pictured above: Li'l Sebastian and officer Farva "tebowing"

It is rumored that campus safety has rented three Shetland ponies from a local Amish farm. The plan is to deploy mounted riot police.  Apparently the ponies offer a couple distinct advantages. Firstly, they are a better platform to attack protesters than from a vehicle. Secondly, and most importantly, they can’t be accidentally backed into a ditch.
 
The rally is expected to garner some major crowds; up to 10 off campus students expected. It is even rumored that one kid from Orchard Manner who feels like he lives off campus might skip his meeting to join the rally, ‘just for kicks and giggles.’

Student Affairs Creates Survey to Evaluate Surveys

WINONA LAKE, IN: When students first hear the words "Grace College", the fourth word that typically comes to mind is "surveys" (the first three obviously being character, competence, service). Grace College has been known to send out surveys about Alpha Dining, RA evaluations, Physical Plant, teacher evaluations, etc.


According to Dr. Jim Swanson, students can expect to find another survey in their inbox in the next few days. "We received some feedback from students who felt that Grace was sending too many surveys. Wanting to hear from the student body directly, we decided to do the natural thing and put together a survey, asking what students thought about all of the surveys".


Not everyone is on board with the surveys. According to Freshman, Bryan Owens, "the constant barrage of emailed surveys is really starting to annoy me. The only survey I would consider taking is one about Campus Safety, and ironically, that's the only department that doesn't survey us."


However, not all students feel inconvenienced by the surveys. Alpha resident, Analise-Marie Bowers, says she loves the continuous surveying. "I just think that it is so great that the various departments at Grace care so much about us as students and want to hear our feedback. I love the surveys so much that my roommate and I even created out own survey to give to each to other to see how we can improve in being a roomie. It turns out I snore really loud and my roommate can't sleep at night. Without a survey this never would have been brought to my attention!"


Grace students aren't the only wanting to see changes in the evaluations and surveys. According to Tim Young, professor in the Art Department, "I'd like to see things flipped around. I'm tired of always stressing about my evaluations from students. I say, why not let professors evaluate the students? People are always giving us a hard time, but we're not the ones playing Temple Run and stalking people on Facebook during class".


Look for the survey about surveys within the next few days.

Grace College to Undergo More Change

WINONA LAKE, IN: Grace College is no more; the small liberal-arts school in the Midwest will now be known as Michael Harstine University. The name change comes on the heels of the announcement of the new Harstine Hall dormitory. The namesake of the change, Dr. Michael Thaddeus Harstine, has been the facilitator of the Orthopaedic Scholars Institute for nearly a decade now.

“I think this is a marvelous decision by the Board [of Trustees]”, chimed in Harstine, unasked. “I have always said that past performance is the best indicator of future performance. Obviously, my past performance speaks for itself.”

The name of the college is not the only new alteration. Many of the buildings will undergo a new name change as well. Alpha Dining will now be Harstine Dining Services, Mount Memorial Hall will be referred to as Michael’s Memorial Hall, the Orthopedic Capital Center is now the Harstine’s Capital Center or HCC, and all dormitories (both male and female) will bear the name of Harstine Dormitory.


“Knowing that we have multiple buildings named in honor of past great educators, Dr. Harstine became infuriated when he saw the article on the name changes,” shared Provost, Bill Katip. “He believed, and we agreed, that Dr. Harstine had reached a point in which we needed to honor him in a large way. He has been such a prize for Harstine University that we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to show him how much we appreciate his work. His past performance as been so overwhelming that we believed this was a good indicator of his future performance.”