Occupy Grace: The 1% Takes on the 99%

WINONA LAKE, IN - It’s that time of the year again; the time when all of Grace’s on-campus students will be held hostage by their RA’s and RD’s for the pre-spring break hall meetings. Though these meetings normally fade into the endless oblivion of monotony and intermittent naps, tonight’s meetings might be slightly different.

There is a large rally and protest planned to take place during the hall meetings. The off campus students are protesting the fact that Grace Student life doesn’t provide off campus students with some sort of ‘hall meeting’.  It is rumored that the small minority of Grace students who live off campus are calling themselves the ‘1%’.
 
A spokesman for this group, sophomore Timothy Van Der Smort, had this to say, “We are the 1% who don’t get these great hall meetings! I mean this is blatant discrimination against those of us who live off campus. We may only be 1% but the 99% has to respect our rights. I mean just because I’m awesome and got married freshman year and live off campus doesn’t mean I don’t want the opportunity to sleep through meetings.”
Dean of Student Affairs, Jim Swanson, had this to say in response to the potential protests, “This is just ridiculous! I mean why should we waste time and resources on these students. They’re not paying to live on campus so they don’t get to enjoy our meetings. These meetings cover some really important information, and that isn’t free. Without these meetings, how would kids know to clean our fridges and vacuum floors?”
 

Pictured above: Li'l Sebastian and officer Farva "tebowing"

It is rumored that campus safety has rented three Shetland ponies from a local Amish farm. The plan is to deploy mounted riot police.  Apparently the ponies offer a couple distinct advantages. Firstly, they are a better platform to attack protesters than from a vehicle. Secondly, and most importantly, they can’t be accidentally backed into a ditch.
 
The rally is expected to garner some major crowds; up to 10 off campus students expected. It is even rumored that one kid from Orchard Manner who feels like he lives off campus might skip his meeting to join the rally, ‘just for kicks and giggles.’