Couple Starts Dating After Meeting in Assassins

WINONA LAKE, IN: The popular campus-wide game, "assassins" has returned to the campus of Grace College. For those not familiar with the game, the concept is simple. Each participant is armed with a squirt gun and the name of their "target". Students take whatever means necessary to "kill" their target and move on to the next.

Despite assassins beginning today, it appears that this game can be credited as being a matchmaker on campus. When Anthony Johnson woke up this morning he never would have imagined he would meet the girl of his dreams, especially after squirting her with water. But according to Anthony, that's exactly what happened.

"It's just crazy!" stated a still lovestruck Anthony. "I had tried everything to meet the girl of my dreams. I tried Lancer Love, but that was a flop. I even signed up for Marriage and Family because I heard tons of girls take that class."

Pictured above: The weapon used to find love

"I spent a good three hours last night trying to find this girl on Facebook, turns out she's one of those hipster girls who doesn't follow the crowd. So after going through dozens of google results, I finally found her blog on Xanga. Not only did I know what she looked like, but I also knew that on Tuesday, April 4th, 2007, "she had a terrible day at school." After some additional research, I found out she has an 8:00am class in the science center. Thankfully I had the foreseeability to bring my full camo suit to school (my mom said it wasn't necessary, boy was she wrong!). So this morning I hid in the bushes infront of the science center and jumped out when she approached. Thankfully I play enough Halo, so my aim was perfect. I got her with a kill shot, right to the face! After she dried her face we struck up a conversation. I never knew it was so easy. Turns out later tonight we're going to go to Alpha for dinner and then walk down to the lake. And to think, all of this was made possible because of a game."

According to Anthony, the couple plans to take it slow and "maybe wait three months before getting engaged."

Coach K Receives Call From President Obama

Pictured above: Barack Obama talks to Coach Kessler

WINONA LAKE, IN: It isn’t everyday that Coach Kessler receives a call from the President of the United States; it’s about once a week.

According to coach K, “When I looked down and saw a restricted number calling my phone I figured it was just my boy Mark Soto calling to talk about the last episode of “Toddlers and Tiaras”. If I had known it was going to be Obama I probably wouldn’t have answered the phone saying, “talk to me Marky!”

It turns out the President was calling to congratulate Coach K on his recent MCC championship. “Let me ask you something Kessler. Why am I the one that has to call you after the championship? You know I’ve been busy and wasn’t able to watch the game! I kind of expected at least a text update or something," said a frustrated Obama.

When Coach K asked Obama if he was planning on traveling to Branson to support the team, Obama replied, “Well K, I’m not gonna lie, gas prices these days are a little steep. But with the country already trillions of dollars in debt, what’s another $500,000? Besides, the Red Zone could certainly use my support...”