New Sensation: 'Duking' Sweeps Campus

The pose that started the phenomenon.

WINONA LAKE, IN - It all started in the early 2000’s with a phenomenon called ‘parkour’; this was essentially street gymnastics. Then several years later, those not athletic enough for parkour started a new trend to make themselves feel cool: ‘planking’. Planking evolved into ‘Batmanning’, which turned into ‘gargoyling’, which eventually turned into ‘tebowing’. Today there are a host of different ways for un-athletic people to stand on various landmarks and buildings.

Just when you thought the list couldn’t get any longer, and this concept couldn’t evolve any higher, it did. Grace College students have started a new trend: ‘Duking’. This trend is named after star basketball player Duke Johnson. When Grace plays for the MCC men’s basketball title tonight expect to see many students ‘Duking’ whenever duke does his signature move (which is scoring points in any way).

What exactly is duking? Just take a look at the picture and see for yourself. Even Obama has heard about ‘Duke-sanity’ and can be seen duking with the prime minister of Russia in the picture below.

President Obama 'Duking' with while Prime Minister Putin is 'Putining'.

Occupy Grace: The 1% Takes on the 99%

WINONA LAKE, IN - It’s that time of the year again; the time when all of Grace’s on-campus students will be held hostage by their RA’s and RD’s for the pre-spring break hall meetings. Though these meetings normally fade into the endless oblivion of monotony and intermittent naps, tonight’s meetings might be slightly different.

There is a large rally and protest planned to take place during the hall meetings. The off campus students are protesting the fact that Grace Student life doesn’t provide off campus students with some sort of ‘hall meeting’.  It is rumored that the small minority of Grace students who live off campus are calling themselves the ‘1%’.
 
A spokesman for this group, sophomore Timothy Van Der Smort, had this to say, “We are the 1% who don’t get these great hall meetings! I mean this is blatant discrimination against those of us who live off campus. We may only be 1% but the 99% has to respect our rights. I mean just because I’m awesome and got married freshman year and live off campus doesn’t mean I don’t want the opportunity to sleep through meetings.”
Dean of Student Affairs, Jim Swanson, had this to say in response to the potential protests, “This is just ridiculous! I mean why should we waste time and resources on these students. They’re not paying to live on campus so they don’t get to enjoy our meetings. These meetings cover some really important information, and that isn’t free. Without these meetings, how would kids know to clean our fridges and vacuum floors?”
 

Pictured above: Li'l Sebastian and officer Farva "tebowing"

It is rumored that campus safety has rented three Shetland ponies from a local Amish farm. The plan is to deploy mounted riot police.  Apparently the ponies offer a couple distinct advantages. Firstly, they are a better platform to attack protesters than from a vehicle. Secondly, and most importantly, they can’t be accidentally backed into a ditch.
 
The rally is expected to garner some major crowds; up to 10 off campus students expected. It is even rumored that one kid from Orchard Manner who feels like he lives off campus might skip his meeting to join the rally, ‘just for kicks and giggles.’

Student Affairs Creates Survey to Evaluate Surveys

WINONA LAKE, IN: When students first hear the words "Grace College", the fourth word that typically comes to mind is "surveys" (the first three obviously being character, competence, service). Grace College has been known to send out surveys about Alpha Dining, RA evaluations, Physical Plant, teacher evaluations, etc.


According to Dr. Jim Swanson, students can expect to find another survey in their inbox in the next few days. "We received some feedback from students who felt that Grace was sending too many surveys. Wanting to hear from the student body directly, we decided to do the natural thing and put together a survey, asking what students thought about all of the surveys".


Not everyone is on board with the surveys. According to Freshman, Bryan Owens, "the constant barrage of emailed surveys is really starting to annoy me. The only survey I would consider taking is one about Campus Safety, and ironically, that's the only department that doesn't survey us."


However, not all students feel inconvenienced by the surveys. Alpha resident, Analise-Marie Bowers, says she loves the continuous surveying. "I just think that it is so great that the various departments at Grace care so much about us as students and want to hear our feedback. I love the surveys so much that my roommate and I even created out own survey to give to each to other to see how we can improve in being a roomie. It turns out I snore really loud and my roommate can't sleep at night. Without a survey this never would have been brought to my attention!"


Grace students aren't the only wanting to see changes in the evaluations and surveys. According to Tim Young, professor in the Art Department, "I'd like to see things flipped around. I'm tired of always stressing about my evaluations from students. I say, why not let professors evaluate the students? People are always giving us a hard time, but we're not the ones playing Temple Run and stalking people on Facebook during class".


Look for the survey about surveys within the next few days.

Grace College to Undergo More Change

WINONA LAKE, IN: Grace College is no more; the small liberal-arts school in the Midwest will now be known as Michael Harstine University. The name change comes on the heels of the announcement of the new Harstine Hall dormitory. The namesake of the change, Dr. Michael Thaddeus Harstine, has been the facilitator of the Orthopaedic Scholars Institute for nearly a decade now.

“I think this is a marvelous decision by the Board [of Trustees]”, chimed in Harstine, unasked. “I have always said that past performance is the best indicator of future performance. Obviously, my past performance speaks for itself.”

The name of the college is not the only new alteration. Many of the buildings will undergo a new name change as well. Alpha Dining will now be Harstine Dining Services, Mount Memorial Hall will be referred to as Michael’s Memorial Hall, the Orthopedic Capital Center is now the Harstine’s Capital Center or HCC, and all dormitories (both male and female) will bear the name of Harstine Dormitory.


“Knowing that we have multiple buildings named in honor of past great educators, Dr. Harstine became infuriated when he saw the article on the name changes,” shared Provost, Bill Katip. “He believed, and we agreed, that Dr. Harstine had reached a point in which we needed to honor him in a large way. He has been such a prize for Harstine University that we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to show him how much we appreciate his work. His past performance as been so overwhelming that we believed this was a good indicator of his future performance.”

Student Board Mistakenly Approves Modern Art

Pictured above: The new statue to be constructed

WINONA LAKE, IN – Senior and Student Board President Daniel Gray reluctantly reported this morning that a new modern art statue had been approved at the last board meeting, costing the school nearly $1,000.

“Needless to say I was shocked!” said Gray as he was trying to explain how such a blunder could occur. “I don’t remember ever signing off on any type of art. I think I can speak for the whole board when I say that any funding of the arts is purely accidental.”

The clause that essentially allowed for the construction of the statue was tucked away in the hefty 15-page packet that was passed out prior to the beginning of the meeting. Junior, and VP of the Student Board, Sarah Filman, wasn’t too surprised something like this happened. “That was a pretty big packet they passed out; normally it’s only like 10 pages. They could have thrown a new Engineering degree in those last five pages and it probably would have passed,” said Filman. “Wait, what was that? We just started one? Man, we must really not care anymore.”

The statue to be constructed will be a depiction of a 3-way plug entitled, “Gracies Get Plugged In.” BrandPoet, Grace’s marketing team, has praised the double meaning this statue will bring to campus. They believe this plug will inspire and excite students to get involved. The location for the statue will be in front of Alpha Hall; after all, that place could really use a facelift.    

Despite their best efforts, this isn’t the first time something like this has passed unnoticed by the Student Board. The closing of the Grille and Tree of Life for only one choice in subs for dinner and extremely burnt coffee from Jazzman’s can also be attributed to the Student Board’s lack of detailed attention, or attention at all.

However, this is an election year for most board members so we can rest assured that change will undoubtedly come soon. Besides, no member wants to hit the campaign trail with little to no results.     

Still Undecided? Let The Student Union Help!

Winona Lake, IN: Picking your college major is a crucial decision, one that will affect you for the rest of your life.  Whether you’re a freshman who is just starting your college career or you’re an upperclassman in need of a change in direction, the Student Union has your back! This simple guide will help you pick your future career in a matter of minutes! In the following flow chart, white boxes represent a ‘yes’ answer, black boxes equal a ‘no’ answer and dark gray boxes equal a beginning or end.

Brandpoet Releases Marketing Campaign for Detroit Satellite Campus

Grammy-Nominated Artist to Play at Grace

WINONA LAKE, IN: Only faculty and some “super seniors” will remember the last time Grace brought a popular musician to campus. Five years ago, Isaac Slade, lead singer of The Fray tickled the ivories in the Rodeheaver Auditorium. Around that same time, 7-time Dove award winner, Steve Green also made an appearance in the OCC with an audience full of homeschoolers.  

The leadership at Grace feels that it is time to bring in another world-renowned artist. Jim Swanson and many others in leadership have been working diligently the last few months making connections and trying to book an artist. It looks like that day is finally here. “We really just felt like we owed this to our current students,” said Swanson. “Music has the ability to transcend all differences and bring unity to a campus.” The team had the list narrowed down to five artists who had all agreed to play a show at Grace. According to Swanson, “the decision was between Mumford and Sons, The Fray, Coldplay, One Republic, and Nickleback.”

“I’d like to say it was a tough decision that required a lot of time and prayer, but we all know that would be a lie. After we had confirmation from Nickleback that they would be willing to play at show at grace, the decision was unanimous.

Apparently the Grace faculty and staff may be just as excited as the students. Dr. Donald DeYoung, chairman of the Department of Science and Mathematics, has been ecstatic since he heard the news. “Hmm, Nickleback coming to Grace College? Yeahhhhhh, you better believe I'll be there!,” said DeYoung.

It is also rumored that this could be the first Grace event other than chapel once a semester in which Dr. Manahan attends. “I’ve always been a huge Nickleback fan,” said Manahan. “For years I've been trying to convince the chapel band that the song, “If Today Was Your Last Day” is totally a worship song. If we sang that every chapel I would never miss.”

Tickets for the Nickleback concert on April 5th will be sold for $25 at TOL.

Grace Senior Suspended for Dealing Senioritis

WINONA LAKE, IN- Most people have heard the term ‘senioritis’ before, especially those around a college campus. This is where the confusion comes in. When people hear the term they assume some vague sort of laziness. For the large majority of people who use the term or even ‘suffer from’ senioritis that is what it means. However, for those more aware of what the term means, it is far more serious.

Very few people know that the term originated in the 60’s from a controlled substance. Colleges in the U.S. have a done a great job suppressing the topic and keeping it restricted to college seniors. However, this containment was breached this week at Grace College in Winona Lake, IN. Senior Timothy Nielsen was suspended for selling the controlled substance to a freshman. Campus Safety organized a sting on the students and caught them red handed behind the OCC conducting a transaction.

Campus safety director Glenn Goldsmith explained the sting this way, “The freshman [who’s identity hasn’t been revealed] was a straight A student in high school, and even made the Dean’s List last semester. Then suddenly grades dipped, he missed 7 chapels in a row, and wasn’t even motivated to play intramural sports anymore. We were fairly certain a controlled substance had to be in the mix, but secretly hoped that the student hadn’t gotten his hands on senioritis.”

Behavioral sciences professor Steve Grille had this to say, “Senioritis is highly addictive if introduced into a student too young. The longer a student is in the college the more resilient to the addictive properties they become. That’s why only seniors are allowed to have any. A freshman is so immature that he could become lackadaisical and apathetic for the rest of his life.”

Career services director, Denise Terry, offered to counsel the student on finding a job that will accommodate the laziness which is bound to stick with the freshman forever. The writers here at the student union did some research and the only documented cases of career successes after early onset of senioritis were in the fields of criminal justice, elementary education, and sports management.

It is unclear whether Nielsen had been providing other students with senioritis or not, but the campus administration has committed to a continued investigation. There is no word how long Nielsen’s suspension will last but it is rumored to be in the 2-5 semester range. One could conclude that Nielsen’s education has been thoroughly unimagined.

19th Time's the Charm

Pictured above: Jessica checking her mail

WINONA LAKE, IN: After checking her mailbox for the 19th time today, Freshman student, Jessica McCormick finally received a Valentines Day card.

"It's about time!" shouted Jessica after spending five minutes fumbling to get her box open. After shuffling through pointless papers advertising events she has no interest in, Jessica spotted her one and only Valentines Day card.

"My mind was racing so fast, I tried to play it cool so those around me wouldn't notice, but i'm sure they did."

What happened next was Jessica's, and every other girls', worst nightmare. "I was really hoping it would be from that cute guy who was in my breakout group. I mean, we were both ESTP's so we would be "totes compats" (editors note: apparently that is short for totally compatible). Jessica's card wasn't from the cute ESTP, in fact, it wasn't even from her parents. This year it looks like Jessica's only Valentine will be from Dr. Limes, her dentist from back home.

Pictured above: Jessica's only Valentines Day card

Jessica was first concerned when she opened up the card and saw a picture of a tooth on the cover. According to Jessica, the inside of the card read, "Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your annual check-up, too!"

"I was so mad!" explained a still upset Jessica. "It would be one thing if my dentist was cute, but he's 64 years old and smells like mothballs. I didn't even recycle the card, that's how mad I was."

Despite today's disappointment, Jessica remains optimistic. "Hey, Easter is coming up right? I can't think of a better time for someone to express their love to me. Well, besides today..."

Jazzman's Offering Free Ice Cream

Jazzman's offering free ice cream 

to all the single ladies.

Tonight only!

Grace Introduces New Varsity Sport

WINONA LAKE, IN: It has long been debated about which new sport Grace would implement. While many have though it would be football, Grace College has decided to change it’s athletic department in a bigger way. On February 1, the Grace College Board of Trustees unanimously voted to build a bobsled track on campus and fund a varsity team. It is part of a bigger initiative to put Grace on the map.

“Not many schools have bobsled tracks on campus! This will continue to build on the strong athletic tradition we have,” said Athletic Director Bailey Weathers. “We have been looking at the athletic eligibility rules and we think we will be able to bring some Grace all-stars to make up our first team. Expect to see some Grace Hall of Famers to be the first to put on those spandex suits!”

The bobsled program will also help with recruiting. Admissions Director Cindy Sisson believes that international enrollment will skyrocket as a result. “Honestly, we expect to go from one Jamaican on campus this year, to four next year alone. Bobsledding is a national pastime there. By 2020 we project that our campus will have 15 Jamaican students, 20 Scandinavian kids, and 1 angry Swiss guy; all that thanks to bobsledding.”

It is also rumored that as Grace tries to leverage athletic events to put its name on the map (NCCAA basketball championships for example), that they will put in a formal bid for the 2022 Winter Olympics. That would of course involve building a couple bigger hills for the downhill skiing competitions, but Alpha Hill is already about 50% of the required size for such events.

If that scenario were to play out it is thought that Kent hall would be torn down to make space for the Olympic village.

Scandal Unfolds After Grace’s Senior Class Trip

WINONA LAKE, IN- This past week was supposed to be a week of fun and relaxation for members of the senior class at Grace College.  It was time for the annual senior class trip, which involved an all expenses paid trip to Kalahari. Unfortunately for seniors, their special time was marred by deception and theft.

Just one day after the trip of was over a careless tweet popped the lid off of the scandal. A junior had posed as a senior and gone on the trip. Tamara Shelton, a junior studying Elementary Education tweeted this on Friday, “haha! i might not have enough credits to be a senior, but i sure had as much fun as one!” This revelation seems to explain a tweet during the first of senior trip, which simply said, “lolz espionage is fun!!!!! lolz! rofl!”

The seniors, who took a resort trip to the Kalahari Desert in South Africa, were infuriated when they found out the truth. The senior class president released a statement condemning Tamara’s actions. “We are very disappointed that someone would not only lie about their academic status, but would also steal fun from the senior class. I mean who on earth thinks it’s okay to actually steal fun? We believe that juniors need to remember their place; the 90-credit barrier has been long established and exists for a reason. They would do well to recognize it.”

Across the campus opinions on the incident vary greatly. Freshman Dylon McTavish idolizes Shelton’s actions, “I mean how cool is that? She’s like a Grace College James Bond. Someday I hope I can be half as successful at lying as her!”

Dean of Students, Jim Swanson said he will be pushing for strong punishments. “Expulsion seems fair, right?”

There is no word yet on how school president Ronald McManahan will deal with the situation.

Real Food Found in Bowl of Human Hair

Caitlin's bowl of human hair--with an unwelcome addition.

WINONA LAKE – Senior officials at Sodexo confirmed late Wednesday evening that food was unintentionally found on a Grace student’s plate of surgical needles.

After ordering a plate of dirty, used surgical needles at Alpha Dining, student Steven McPherson was stunned to find a tiny dollop of mashed potatoes placed on top of his meal.

The student said he was eating lunch from the Health Foods section of the dining hall on Monday when he discovered a small portion of what appeared to be mashed potatoes that somehow got mixed in with Sodexo surgical needles.

“I looked down and noticed a weird white, mushy substance that resembled a potato placed right on top of all my needles, almost as if it were intentional,” McPherson said. “I’m just glad that I didn’t take a bite of it.”

A similar incident happened only a few days later when Caitlin Stewart was astonished to find a strand of spaghetti in her human hair pasta bowl.

“I ordered Human Hair Pasta with a simple greasy topping from the Locks of Love Bar,” said Stewart. “After taking a bite I noticed something almost blond. And seeing that I ordered the Red Head pasta bowl I became a little concerned.”

Sodexo regrets these accidents and is glad to learn that the students were not harmed by the potato or spaghetti. “We are investigating how something like this could have made its way into our products,” the company’s president stated.  

At the moment, many suspect these foods were introduced into the meal at the factory where Alpha Dining surgical needles and Human Hair Pasta are produced. However, another possibility is that these edibles may have accidentally been slipped in at the kitchen of Alpha Dining.

The Grace College’s Officer for the Character, Competence, and Service of Alpha Dining stated, “Sodexo has persistently provided us with a quality product and these are the first incidences in our years of business together. Their attention to culinary excellence and quality has always been remarkable and we are not going hold this against them. We trust this is a rare occurrence and we can guarantee that students will never find food like this ever again at Alpha Dining.”

For quality purposes, if you’ve ever received food from Alpha Dining that you do not believe was up to Grace College standards, please comment below with your experiences. We’d love to make each meal better than the last!

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