Intramural Program Under Investigation

NAIA officials were called to Grace last week to begin an investigation into the intramural soccer program. According to sources, a few Beta resident freshmen were suspended last Thursday for the remainder of the intramural soccer season for receiving improper benefits around the Winona Lake area. Officials want to perform a thorough analysis of the situation to determine if even heavier sanctions will be required.

“Everything we do is for our student-athletes,” one official reported. “While we recognize most likely only a few students took part in these actions, it is our duty to make sure all of our athletes don’t only possess integrity, respect, responsibility, sportsmanship, and servant leadership, but that they are overall champions of character.”

Of the students suspended, Brandon Fish and Sam Clemens are under the most fire. Both were highly recruited by Grace and expected to be standout intramural players this season. Head of intramural recruitment, Michael Voss, had this to say about the suspensions, “It was extremely tough finding players who would excel on the intramural pitch, but would get thrashed by the varsity team. The gap just isn’t that big. Brandon and Sam fit that mold and gave this campus new life. I’m not really surprised they were given stuff. Grace saw hope they’d never seen before.”

Clemens enjoying a free cup outside Jazzman's.

According to an anonymous student, Fish and Clemens had received countless free scans from other freshmen in Alpha dinning. However, Fish posted on his twitter account last night, “I used my own scans at Alpha. Go Lancers!”

Along with free scans, Fish and Clemens have been accused of parking in faculty lots, cutting it really close to curfew’s 5 minute grace period, and worst of all, receiving water at Jazzman’s without paying for the cup.

With all the evidence built up against them, it doesn’t seem that Fish or Clemens will be taking the pitch as a Lancer in the near future. They could decide to enter the PIL (Professional Intramural League) early, but let’s be honest; they were excellent players at Grace, they won’t even come close to being drafted.  

TREE OF LIFE TO INTRODUCE NEW MERCHANDISE

Pictured above: New Alpha Dining perfume

WINONA LAKE: Tree of Life, your one-stop shop for all of your over-priced textbooks and apparel is looking to expand it’s line of Grace College branded merchandise.  Grace College announced plans today to begin offering a line of perfume and colognes, created specifically for students.  

With the help of Brandpoet, the science department, Alpha Dining Commons, and Beta Hall, Grace College has created it’s own perfume and cologne.  The girls perfume is targeted for those who want to recreate the wonderful aroma experienced everyday while dinning in Alpha.  Kevin Sterner, head of the project had this to say,  “We have spent years perfecting this scent, and we are pleased to offer the women at Grace the ability to smell like Alpha 24/7.  This perfume features subtle hints of tofu, burnt fish, garlic, and grease.”  Grace is also expecting this new perfume to be a big hit among alumni.  According to Steve Carlson, director of alumni services, the phones have been ringing off the hook.  “People just want to relive some of their favorite college experiences!”.  

Senior, Allison Wismin is ecstatic about this new perfume; “I could not be happier!  Since living in Kent Hall this year my biggest complaint is not being able to smell like Alpha.  It’s no secret that guys LOVE girls who smell like Alpha.   Since I no longer eat at Alpha I have found myself at a big disadvantage in the dating scene.  Now I can smell like Alpha even after I graduate!”

Pictured above: beta cologne for men

Not wanting to leave the men of Grace jealous, Grace College will also be releasing a cologne for men titled, “beta. for him”.  This cologne will include hints of burnt Ramen, sweaty feet, and moldy bathroom, all overpowered by Axe body spray. 

Both scents can be purchased using flex at TOL. Makes a great Christmas present!

FIRE DEPARTMENT CALLED TO GRACE CAMPUS LATE LAST NIGHT

Freshman Ryan "Fire Guy"

WINONA LAKE- Last night Grace held its annual campus wide game of capture the flag. This late night game of stealth and speed was however, interrupted by the piercing whine of a fire alarm system.  In light of the new ‘no fire drill policy’ students knew this was for real! The Winona Lake fire department responded ‘immediately’ and was eventually on the scene.

The building that caught fire was the pride and joy of the Grace Student Affairs office, Indiana Hall. Indiana Hall is the newest of the dorms on campus.

According to the fire department the details of the incident are as follows: At about 11:30 pm a student on the guy’s side of Indiana Hall was cooking a cheesy pita in a microwave when the microwave caught fire. The fire quickly spread to rest of the room, then hall and eventually the entire dorm.  Thankfully no one was hurt because most of the students were already outside playing capture the flag. The identity of the student who actually started the fire remains unclear, however it is widely suspected that it was a freshman named Ryan. Half of Indiana Hall burnt down before the flames were suppressed, thus many male students are now without a dorm.

Dean of Student Affairs, Jim Swanson, had this to say about where the displaced students would go, “We are working to find a new place for these displaced students. We have weighed a lot of different options and have come to what we think is a great solution. We will be putting half of the guys in Delta House, a quarter in the Orchard Mansion, and the remainder will move in early to Harstine Hall.”

When asked about adding extra residents to the Delta House and Orchard Mansion, the Associate Dean of Student Affairs had this to say, “The displaced students are mostly freshman and underclassmen. With that said, let’s be honest with ourselves, freshman are basically like sardines, you just cram them in wherever there is room.”

Some gifted students from Beta Hall approached Indiana Hall as the flames burnt high, and wrote a song to commemorate the favored dorm. The song went as follows, “Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world was turning, Ryan started the fire!” The musically gifted students seem to have been lead by the prestigious and talented chapel band.

Grace College "Extinguishes" Firedrills

Next time you see this going off, it won't be a drill!

WINONA LAKE: The firedrill is a staple event at every college in America.  Love it or hate it, it’s always been considered a necessity. Until now.

In a gutsy decision, the leadership at Grace College has decided to forgo all firedrills, in hopes of boosting student moral and raising grades.  Associate Dean of Student’s, Aaron Crabtree, made this comment regarding the no firedrill policy.  “The average firedrill takes about 30 minutes until it’s all said and done.  Factor in at least five minutes that students spend updating their Facebook and Twitter with the big news, and that really adds up.  With the added workload that the new schedule has created we want to be sensitive to students time, and we feel that a firedrill is not in the best interest of the community.”  

Jim Swanson assures that they have done their research.  “We consulted the expertise of our very own Probability and Statistics professor, Dr. Dilling, and he came to the conclusion that the probability of a fire is “slim to none”.  Dr. Dilling also calculated the numbers and determined that with the 35 minutes students will save from not participating in a firedrill, students can expect to see grades increase by .00041%."  This is good news for members of the Lancer baseball team.

Dr. Manahan made this release regarding the abolition of firedrills.  “The numbers don’t lie.  We are confident in this decision, and we have already been contacted by other schools in our conference looking to do the same.  Grace is certainly paving the way for higher education.  Only time will tell if we made the right choice”.

Not everyone at Grace supports this decision.  Glenn Goldsmith, Assistant to the Director of Campus Safety had this to say, “If we can’t trust students to walk across a road safely to chapel, who is going to teach them that you must exit a burning building?  If it were up to me, we would not only require firedrills on campus, but also for all students living off campus”.

There is no word yet on how this may affect Grace’s ranking as a Top 100 College in the Midwest.  

Engaged Student Annoys Entire Class With 'Wisdom'

WINONA LAKE---According to countless students in Dr. Jim Swanson’s Marriage and Family course, Derek Weathers, a Grace College senior living off-campus, really needs to shut up and keep his thoughts to himself.

One student described Derek as a pretentious kid who really only likes hearing the sound of his own voice.

Derek Weathers annoys most often in McClain Hall

Fellow classmate Jane Spencer has had the misfortune of sitting next to Derek on multiple occasions. "He thinks he knows everything about marriage just because he got engaged a week before class started,” stated Spencer, after one incredibly annoying class session. “I can’t stand the way he voices his opinions like facts, the way he slouches in his chair like he’s above the class, and how he doesn’t even feel the need to raise his hand to be called on anymore. We haven’t even gotten to the ‘Family’ part of the class yet! It’s not too late to drop out is it?”

Even though Weathers is quite knowledgeable in the area of the strengths and weaknesses of being in a relationship, he reportedly has no idea what it means to shut up, keep to himself, or let others speak for a change.  

Classmate Jason Wright had been Derek’s roommate the prior two years at Grace before Derek moved off-campus. “I find it quite humorous actually. If only people could know the lonely, insecure, ‘married-to-his-video-games’ kid I’ve known the last couple years. I’m sure he matured a ton over the summer, right?”

Not everyone, however, is completely annoyed by Derek’s obsessive rampages and the "wisdom" he brings to the class. “I love Derek! He’s really the only reason I come to class,” said junior Sam Felt. “I have an ongoing count of how many times he’s used the phrases, ‘my fiancé and I’, ‘what’s worked for us’, and ‘we’ve been there’. A couple buddies and I have a bet going and the loser has to go on a double date with Derek and his 'sweet-ums!'”

Dr. Jim Swanson has also noticed the input Weathers has given to the class. “He really is an exemplary student with knowledge of what it’s like to be engaged, which has greatly benefitted the class,” said Swanson. “With that said, I really wish for once he would be like a normal student and skip class.”  

Breaking News: Athletic Director Actually Incognito Ghostbuster

WINONA LAKE- A reliable source inside the Grace College Athletic Department has confirmed suspicions that the new athletic director, ‘Bailey Weathers’ as he goes by now, is actually Dan Aykroyd, famed leader of the Ghostbusters.

Though its been a good many years since the documentary ‘Ghostbusters’ was released, this ‘Bailey’ fellow is clearly Dan in disguise. Many people noted the resemblance in the past, and now this information leak from the athletic department has confirmed it.

Apparently, he is on ‘a mission, a mission from God.’ It would seem there are a good many ghosts to bust around the campus, starting with the athletic department. With the tennis teams recent success it is clear that certain ghosts have already been dispatched.

When asked about getting rid of the baseball teams many ghosts, the source just laughed and said this, “Be serious, he’s(Aykroyd) a ghostbuster, not a miracle worker!”

There is a second purpose for having a Ghostbuster on Grace’s campus. Apparently, though Harstine Hall was a great business decision for Grace it is overwhelmed with ghouls and ghosts. Expect these ghosts to be busted by Spring!

New Luxury Dorm Set to Open 2012

Pictured Above: New Grace Luxury Dorm

WINONA LAKE: Grace is at it again. With the enormous success of the recent Reimagine program and the subsequent new dorms, the Residence Life staff has announced plans to expand with another new dorm. Beginning in the fall of 2012, Grace will open Harstine Hall a new perimeter dorm, just a few blocks from campus.

“We could not be more thrilled about this.” said Vice-President of Student Affairs Jim Swanson, “With the huge success of the new Delta and Orchard Manor dorms, we have decided to one up ourselves with Harstine Hall, a new upper-classmen only, luxury dorm.”  


With the introduction of the Reimagine program, Grace has seen both a record number of freshmen and a total enrollment record. With the additional students came the challenge of finding places for these students a place to live. This year the solution was Delta, or the Yellow House as it has been affectionately called, and the Orchard Manor. But with a record class being expected again for next year, Student Affairs wanted to take another step forward.

“We really wanted to treat our upperclassmen”, added Aaron Crabtree, Associate Dean of Students. “After spending two years in Beta, and another in that Apple Dump, we thought they earned the upgrade to Harstine.  We are extremely thankful to Dr. Harstine and his generous gift of such a valuable facility.” When asked to describe the atmosphere of the new dorm, Crabtree says, “it’s like Urban Outfitters meets Express for Men.  It’s urban yet stylish.  The best part is we hope to incorporate this new dorm as a Day of Caring project in the future.  We believe we can build community by allowing students to improve their own living conditions.  Plus, it’s free labor for us!”

Harstine Hall will house 75 guys in 50 bedrooms  with an open air kitchen and bathroom combination. Though a 3 minute drive from campus, the new dorm is officially within walking distance of the rest of campus. The best part? No work needs to be done to make Harstine a habitable dormitory. While technically meeting less than 50% of the legal criteria for a college dorm, it is so far ahead of the rest of the Grace dorms that the fire marshal didn’t even bother to file a report.  

Glenn Goldsmith, Assistant Chief of Campus Safety, had this to say about the inspection. “We fully expected this to fail from the get go.  But the fire marshal was so shocked that we still used Alpha and Beta that I’m not even sure he went inside Harstine Hall.”

Grace Men's Soccer Adds Flair!

WINONA LAKE: The Grace College Lancers will be taking to Miller field with a little more style this year.  Coach Hotchkin and his squad seek to step on the pitch with style and elegance this season.  According to Hotchkin, this starts before the kickoff, "Soccer is an extremely mental game.  You have to be able to out-think your opponent if you want to win.  Because of this mental aspect, we are looking at ways to raise the self-esteem of our team.”

The coach believes the best way to raise the team’s self-esteem is by looking good.  Along with his knowledge of the game, Hotchkin introduced the lancers to the 3/4 pants, more commonly known as ‘man-pris’.  "Man-pris are completely underrated in soccer.  Not only are they comfortable and practical, they are stylish and trendy; that is the really important aspect of the game,” said the coach. Since the introduction of man-pris many other grace athletic teams have taken notice. Head baseball coach Josh Bailey had this to say, "We are seriously considering replacing our yearly preseason trip to Florida, with a preseason spa trip. The better our cuticles, the better our batting!"  

This year the men's soccer team is looking to accessorize with matching man-purses, or ‘murses’, if you will.  "As a team we firmly believe that if we a going to take over the MCC, then we need the right equipment.  These ‘murses’ will, of course, be practical. They will hold cleats, tape, pre-wrap, Tide to-go pens, and hair gel. Some people may argue that the lancers are simply adding the word ‘man’ to common female items, in belief that it will make it permissible.  In response to the doubters, Hotchkin says; “We know there’s more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking; we just haven’t found out what that is yet. Besides, we didn’t add the ‘man’ to manicure...it was already like that.”

BREAKING NEWS: LOCAL FRESHMAN FINDS CHRIST THOUGH CHRISTIAN T-SHIRT.

Winona Lake, IN - In what can only be described as a miracle from God, Jacob Walker, 18, found Christ this summer through the help of a Christian t-shirt.

Says Walker of his conversion, “I don’t really know how to explain it, ya know? One day I was out huntin’ with my paw, and I saw this beaut. A real beaut. A ten pointer, just grazin’ in a clearing. I raised my gun up to take it down, but for some reason I just couldn’t pull the trigger. It was like there was a gun lock on my pointer finger. So I tried my middle finger, and that one didn’t work either. I kept on trying all my fingers, including the ones on my left hand, but none of ‘em worked. It was the weirdest thing ever I think. I could move ‘em fine when they weren’t on the gun, but once they was on the trigger, I couldn’t move ‘em. My paw said he, ‘Hain’t nevar seen ‘nethang like it.’

“When we went home that night, I looked on the internet for a t-shirt to commemorate me nearly shootin’ that ten pointer. I found a shirt with a deer on the front, and so I ordered it. When it came in the mail, I realized that there was other words on it.”

The other words on the shirt were from the Bible. Walker’s father had this to say about the situation. “Yeh, me’n the boy, we was out huntin’, but he couldn’ kill ‘nethang. I guess he ordered himself a shirt off the internets, but it had some words on it. I can’t read very well, so I don’ know what they said, but he took of for the libary. He said he had to find a Bible to look up somthin. When he come back, he said he was a Christian now.”

Walker, a resident of Beta 3 South, said that it was when he was in the library, he found who Jesus was. “It was at that point I decided that I would go to a Christian college. So I applied to Grace, and got in.”

Walker was beside himself when he first walked into TOL to get his books and found that they sold Christian shirts there. “He shouted, ‘YEE-HA!!!’ at the top of his lungs,” said Walker’s friend Jesse Hendrix, also a freshman at Grace. “It was a really weird situation. I mean after that, everyone looked at us, but Jake didn’t care. He said that he was, ‘gonna spend all my flex dollars on them t-shirts.’”

Walker hopes to start a club that will make special Grace College themed shirts. He says the club will be called the, “Grace College Christian T-Shirt Club For Christians Who Love To Be Creative And Show Their Creativity Through Cool T-Shirts,” or G.C.C.T.S.C.F.C.W.L.T.B.S.A.S.T.C.T.C.T.S. for short.

Grace College Named Nation’s Top Afternoon Tea Party School

WINONA LAKE---According to the U.S. News & World Report, Grace College has taken over as the nation’s top afternoon tea party school. Having been just beat out the prior two years by Indiana University, this small liberal arts school has finally taken over No. 1.

“We’re just ecstatic!” says senior Kelly Lee, “I’ve been waiting for this moment my entire college life. I enrolled here because of the “seven days a week” afternoon tea scene. I just had to be a part of it!”

One of the reasons Grace may have topped the charts could be due to the recent transformation of all shrubberies around campus into herb gardens. This allows the students to have quick access to some of the best teas without ever leaving campus. One administrator said, “We knew our students were involving themselves in heavy tea consumption and afternoon parties lasting as late as 5 or even 6PM, so we thought, why fight it?”

With the way things are going now it doesn’t look like Grace will be giving up their newly acclaimed title anytime soon. “I have three tea parties to hit up, and that’s only today,” said junior Billy Trainer as he was stuffing his pockets full of fresh herbs along the walkway coming from the OCC. “My parents have been a little concerned, but they’re just glad I’m testing the waters here instead of at home.”

CHA-CHING! College Just Got 90% Cheaper!

WINONA LAKE—After recently launching the new three-year degree program, Grace College is looking to reimagine education yet again.   According to provost Bill Katip, “We have done our research, and we believe it is possible to establish a one-year degree. We strongly believe this program will cater to homeschool students who fear being in a social environment for more than one year. “ 

This new program will not only be extremely cost-effective to future students, but will also reward those who are academically ambitious. Now students will be able to enter a stagnant workforce four times quicker than the average college graduate.

Senior student Timothy Horton had this to say about the new program. “I wish I would have known! Four whole years away from my mom and seven siblings is way too long!”  

Grace College President Ronald McManahan wanted to have some input on the new program. “We realize this program will not be for everyone, but we are also making sure not to compromise any of our standards.  The new 1 year program will still harp on character, competence, and service.”

Currently, the only degrees offered in the program will be German and Music. In order to squeeze in a full degree in just one year, students will be in class all year round from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. College officials say they recognize the importance of breaks, so students will be granted a half-day on Christmas and a full day off on Easter.

Aaron Crabtree, Associate Dean of Students had this to say. “With this accelerated program, we recognize the challenges associated; four years was difficult enough for most students to find a soul mate.  With this new program we are looking to incorporate a speed dating section into freshman foundations. We believe even one-year students should have equal access to spouse hunting.”

The program is still in the design phase, so there is no name yet. Several ideas have been tossed around, including: Unimagine Your Education, The QuickE, One and Done, or the Bodin School of Excellence. Grace’s marketing contractor, BrandPoet, is looking for more suggestions though. So, if you have any ideas for what to name the program please email all suggestions to BrandPoet's lead on this project, Paul Thompson at thompson.paul@brandpoet.edu.