Grace College "Extinguishes" Firedrills

Next time you see this going off, it won't be a drill!

WINONA LAKE: The firedrill is a staple event at every college in America.  Love it or hate it, it’s always been considered a necessity. Until now.

In a gutsy decision, the leadership at Grace College has decided to forgo all firedrills, in hopes of boosting student moral and raising grades.  Associate Dean of Student’s, Aaron Crabtree, made this comment regarding the no firedrill policy.  “The average firedrill takes about 30 minutes until it’s all said and done.  Factor in at least five minutes that students spend updating their Facebook and Twitter with the big news, and that really adds up.  With the added workload that the new schedule has created we want to be sensitive to students time, and we feel that a firedrill is not in the best interest of the community.”  

Jim Swanson assures that they have done their research.  “We consulted the expertise of our very own Probability and Statistics professor, Dr. Dilling, and he came to the conclusion that the probability of a fire is “slim to none”.  Dr. Dilling also calculated the numbers and determined that with the 35 minutes students will save from not participating in a firedrill, students can expect to see grades increase by .00041%."  This is good news for members of the Lancer baseball team.

Dr. Manahan made this release regarding the abolition of firedrills.  “The numbers don’t lie.  We are confident in this decision, and we have already been contacted by other schools in our conference looking to do the same.  Grace is certainly paving the way for higher education.  Only time will tell if we made the right choice”.

Not everyone at Grace supports this decision.  Glenn Goldsmith, Assistant to the Director of Campus Safety had this to say, “If we can’t trust students to walk across a road safely to chapel, who is going to teach them that you must exit a burning building?  If it were up to me, we would not only require firedrills on campus, but also for all students living off campus”.

There is no word yet on how this may affect Grace’s ranking as a Top 100 College in the Midwest.